Psychotherapy: a journey to liberation
part 3
Personal boundaries: our psychological skin
We're all aware of the need to set boundaries in physical areas — closing the front door of our house for privacy, knowing to stop when we've eaten enough, choosing an early night if we're getting up early, not drinking if we're driving, etc. Self-regulation is a fundamental principle of life, a concept known as ‘autopoiesis', deriving from the Greek auto meaning self, and poiesis meaning maintainance.
Even a plant will discriminate in favour of hydrating itself and taking in adequate light, by putting out roots or inclining itself away from shade. Pollen distribution in a flower garden depends on the discriminatory faculties of a bee as it visits certain plants and not others, making deliberate survival choices, based on their nectar content. The amoeba, a tiny unicellular organism living in water, has a cell membrane which is semi-permeable and takes in what it needs directly from the water bathing it. If this boundary or skin is too closed, it will fossilise and die, if too porous it will absorb too much and burst. The dynamic balancing act to keep it alive, maintaining the status quo, is known as homeostasis.
We humans are frequently less consciously aware of the necessity of how to discriminate in favour of our basic needs for sleep, nutrition, security, or love. 
Nor are we aware if that mechanism has become distorted, and our psychological skin has become too tight or too permeable. Too tight and we can't give and take, allowing others in. Trusting, delegating responsibility, accepting advice, and sharing don't come easily for those with closed boundaries, whose belief in controlling everything themselves is their fortress against fear, keeping all new ideas out, making them as laws unto themselves. Since certain life circumstances dictate that in order to go on you must change your previous policy and lean on others, let them support you, or trust them to take over if you're exhausted, then if you can't do this depression inevitably follows. Without the ability to let others in, your sense of isolation grows and no new avenues of movement open up.
The leaky boundary, on the other hand, is also common in depression. Too open, you take in and take on the problems and issues of others far too readily. ‘All things to all men', a sense of overwhelm and helplessness, the makings of depression, is common if we can't set a boundary and when appropriate, say ‘no'.
It's not as straightforward for us humans as it is for the amoeba. The ideal boundary situation is a synthesis of both, neither too closed nor too open, in other words semi-permeable, flexible, and with the control over it negotiated from within.
This type of boundary allows that there will be times for us to give our energy to projects, loved ones, and routine daily chores in a measured way which acknowledges that there is a finite reserve of energy, after which ‘no' will have to be the answer to requests. (Learn to keep a personal boundary management diary: see first item in panel at left.)
Without such a managed boundary, the notion of a balanced life, person-hood, and selfhood can not emerge. Stretching the metaphor of person-hood to nationhood, it means that each nation has the right to have its own identity, constitution, the right to protect and negotiate across its boundaries, the right to fly its own flag, have its own anthem, and control itself from the inside through its laws and legislation.
Frequently working against the freedom to say no and protect yourself from overload are the labels of ‘selfish', ‘lazy' ‘uncooperative' ‘not a team player' and so on. If you see yourself as a ‘nice' person, then you'll be reluctant to discommode or hurt others, which you may have to do to meet your need for time off, and to prevent yourself from being constantly hoovered by the demands of others.
This creates a conflict inside, and you're liable to give in, so that your opinion of yourself as a nice person remains intact, no matter what the cost. Basic assertiveness is a skill which many depressed individuals have never learned to be adept at.
Your conditioning, both cultural and within the family, may have placed restrictions on your ability to feel comfortable defending your needs over those of others. ‘Good' mothers, ‘nice' people, ‘conscientious' workers — all earn these accolades precisely by not rocking the boat or discommoding anyone, but the trade-off is that their own needs go unmet.
Many depressed people have little sense of what these needs even are, because they have never been encouraged to treat them as valid or legitimate. Alice Miller, a Swiss psychoanalyst, in her book, The Drama of Being A Child, clearly outlines the shaping of this tendency in children, who grow into adults who can never be too perfect or too nice.
In what is described as depression and experienced as emptiness, futility, fear of impoverishment and loneliness, can usually be recognised as the tragic loss of self in childhood, manifested as the total alienation of the self in adulthood.
— Alice Miller
Only when the conditions of approval are met do thy feel they deserve to address their own needs. Many can't even identify with what these are, or if they can, will always automatically give way to someone else's, rather than risk disapproval by asserting themselves. This is the reason why so many depressed people find it hard to engage in self-loving and pleasurable behaviours, whether it be enjoying a long leisurely bath as opposed to a quick shower, or to treating themselves to a delicious meal as opposed to resorting to junk food or not bothering to eat at all. For many, sex is a thing which never crosses their mind.
Psychologically, an awareness of a having a pressing need or desire is our way of ensuring that the level of one commodity essential for our survival is maintained at all costs — energy. This life-force resource is our ‘mains supply' which runs all the other millions of physiological subroutines, right down to cellular interactions involved in respiration, digestion, immunity and many more. Each day is a balancing act of which we are not even aware. At all times we are presenting our mind with a hierarchy of needs jockeying for position. Whatever is top of our list wins the allotment of energy. ‘Should I exhaust myself keeping all the balls in the air, keeping everybody sweet, or should I acknowledge that I'm tired?' isn't even a question which crosses our mind. If your over-riding need is to see others happy, and grateful to you, (like Peter still, at the age of 35) then awareness of tiredness won't even surface.
Unlike the amoeba or the bees, the skill of energy banking is absent in many depressed individuals. Nothing tells them if their energy bank is ‘in the red' or ‘in the black' at any given time, what drains it or acts as a resource. It's as though two buckets are balancing on each end of a see-saw. Certain beliefs we hold, feeling states we indulge in, and roles or activities we commit our energy to, can squander our energy budget, filling our ‘drains' bucket to overflow. Learning to plug these drains is a first step, but unless we rapidly offset this situation by filling our resources bucket, energy bankruptcy is inevitable. If you're depressed, ask yourself if, in your case, the demotivated ‘bottom of the barrel' state could be the result of the burn-out which such ‘overspending' brings. Plugging drains and identifying resources may be new territory for your personality, but one which you can learn in psychotherapy, and which will increase your sense of control over your energy account, leaving you less vulnerable to outside forces. (See item 2 in panel at right.)
How do you go about plugging drains? The word to assert means ‘to claim a right to something'. Many aren't aware it's even a choice, that it is actually everyone's right to turn down requests, and to leave others to handle their own problems before rushing in to ease their distress. If this conviction is not well developed, you can feel helpless and powerless to influence your situation. Always saying ‘yes', as the superman or superwoman martyr does, means an overwhelm of tasks, and usually a depletion of energy.
If the ability to set boundaries is absent, as for Peter, then depression is the inevitable outcome. Psychotherapy and the development of the witness position would help him to identify his leaky boundary, one which doesn't know how to prevent incoming demands from flooding him. Then he could decide for himself if he had done enough proving himself as his father's son, as a husband, parent, and employer, and could accept himself as he was, adopting realistic standards, and thinking of what he needed for a change.
This is the point when Patricia decided to jump ship, that ‘enough is enough', to seek a severance package, and that, no matter what the implications, she needed to honour herself, and leave.
Sarah discovered she had more control than she thought by setting limits on John's turning up at the house whenever he chose: she changed the locks. She also set a limit on her own exhaustion by insisting he give her some free time without the children, and reduced her financial worries by seeking the advice of a solicitor to help them plan the future.
Learning to access previously untapped resources means a re-education of your senses, a process in which you learn to appreciate the value of down-time, being a receiver of support for a change, and seeing companionship and love as a source of pleasure rather than an obligation.
While we may have ideas about what may or not be a resource, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, and in the name of creating new avenues of movement, experience rather than discussion is the ultimate teacher.
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